Fiery Red

X Box 360 And The Red Rings Of Death

During those bygone halcyon days of console gaming, when a system failed, the oft reaction was to raise one’s hands toward the sky and curse the God’s of every pantheon for having smote your system. There was little in the way of diagnostic choices leaving most to wonder vainly what condition had stricken their beloved console, snatching it from this mortal coil. The power would be activated and nothing would occur and there’d be little choice beyond cursing nefarious fortune and her ambiguous design, frequently plunging into a void of existential woe. Nevertheless, with the most recent generation of consoles, there’s at least some onboard sign of what evils have befallen your system, most infamously the X-box 360 and the Red Ring of Death.

One can’t help but wonder if this knowledge has been of greater use to mankind, or if the question of console demise is one best left unanswered, for where tragedy once came like a breath of wind and left as little trace, it now bears a face and a name to be loathed by mortals. Four times divided, each of the ring’s quadrants on the face of the X-box 360 displays a vibrant green hue when in good health. Nevertheless, when hardware failure or pestilence or an ancient curse has marked a console with its wicked taint, the four lights will glow a hellish fiery red to indicate the source of its ailment. The configurations of these cursed runes are telling of the particular affliction and are interpreted as follows.

When the ring is solely aflame in its southeastern most quadrant, facing the exact same direction as the flight of the migratory birds, the X-box 360 is then victim of hardware failure, the exact nature of which is alluded to only by the apocryphal two-digit sequence of symbols that appear upon the connected display. When the ring is cleft in twain from scalp to groin by the red hue, a excellent fever has taken your console causing its components to overheat.

When cloaked entirely in the Masque of the Red Death, you possibly just forgot to plug the AV cables in, jackass. Or some higher malevolence has seized some vital aspect to your console, for which you might seek the guidance of a soothsayer, an apothecary, or even… Microsoft. But seriously, just check to make sure it’s plugged in. Most feared, nonetheless, among we mere puppets on this earthly stage are the red lights that seize the ring in all quadrants save for that between north and east.

Glance but for only a moment to confirm your sickly apprehensions, then avert thine eyes for what stares back is the eye of the devil whose red gaze will indelibly sear the soul. General Hardware Failure, plight of men and Gods alike and bane of all things good and sacred, has corrupted your X-box. Abandon all hope, for even among sorcerer’s alchemy and mystic’s incantations there is naught that men of earthly constitution can summon.

But one option remains, to turn over your console to the ethereal high court of Microsoft or perhaps a trusted third party hardware technician whose tangible connection to the divine can provide the steel of nerve, the authority of conviction, the edge of wit, the fortitude of soul required to perform the ritual exorcism which will rid your X-box of its demons. Please allow two to three weeks for repairs.

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